Concrete Musings

During college I was a Women’s Studies major, with an emphasis in queer studies. I read theory about sex and sexuality, talked about sex, and yes, even had some sex myself.  I was enthralled by the power of sex and sexuality. It could turn someone into a monster, inspire worship, and cost thousands of dollars. Everyone seemed to be wanting it, obsessed with having it, or trying not to think about it. Sex and sexuality seemed to seep into every facet of human existence. But, as college ended, I decided I was going to be an adult, which meant focusing on more practical, socially acceptable things. I went to teacher’s college. And while the high school students I taught have full societal permission to wear tennis ball sized hickeys on their necks like Olympic make out medals, teachers are supposed to be contained, controlled, and sexless. I have spent much of the last three years trying to shift the focus of my life from sex to language, teaching, and social justice.  I keep failing. Sex and sexuality keep drawing me in. I realized that I am not more peaceful and focused when I’m not having sex, like I had planned. I have seen that my desire does not dissipate when I ignore it. And larger than just my own sexual needs and desire, I have rediscovered how important sex is in the world. It is not only a ploy for marketers, but also a path towards awakening senses and spirituality. It can be the secret ingredient that enriches someone’s whole existence. It is worthy and beautiful work.

Last month, I was one of the many lucky victims of the great recession.  When I started this blog I decided that it was going to be G-rated, a happy, light, and blissful blog about zen moments in everyday life. But here’s the thing, I live in a community dedicated to helping people explore and open up around their sex. Sometimes, especially now that I don’t have any witty teaching anecdotes, a sexual encounter is the most interesting and enlightening part of my day.  I realized yesterday, staring at the blinking curser on my screen, that without sex there is no blog. There is no Zen in my life without orgasm.