Concrete Musings

Last week I had sex with a man, he is someone that has been a friend and a lover for months. I have always been fond of him. But I kept him at a distance. We would have an intimate exchange and then not talk for a month or so and then come back and have another. It wasn’t serious, and it felt clean and uncomplicated.

Of course, though, things change. Everything changes. And last time our sex felt different. I felt open and like I showed a part of myself I had been locking away from him, and like he accepted me there and received it. It was beautiful. And now I find myself checking my phone for texts from him or keeping tabs on what he is up to.

I am in a relationship with a woman, and since we have been together the part of myself that craves others seems to have subsided. But this thing has opened, and out pours this hungry ghost. It feels like the part of me that wants to eat after I am full. It is the part of me that wants your attention and approval all of the time. I feel myself crack like that and then I want it again and again, like the sex becomes a drug, a short cut, to get me to that raw and intimate place.

However clean I keep my sexual relationships there is always this moment of pouring out, of real intimacy that arises. Sometimes the first, sometimes the 50^th, but it happens. How do I keep it clean even after it gets messy? How do I not vomit my hungry ghost on him? How do I keep it from going to that place in my brain that calls this feeling love? Maybe it is; and why does that have to mean anything anyway?

These are my questions. I am going to talk to him, talk to my girlfriend, and see how it all works out. And, dear reader (if you are indeed with my after my months of silence) I will report back to you from the trenches of love and relating maybe with some answers and certainly with more questions.